Troy

[saffiter]

Okay.

Wow.

With a side of guh... and holy shit! Nearly naked Orlando Bloom!!!

GUH!

Must control hormones... oh screw it. Somebody pass me a bucket to catch the drool.

Starts with a narration by Sean Bean. Goes to an army and they decide that their two best fighters will duke it out to decide who would be the victor. It's between Agamemnon (played by the same guy who played Stryker in X2 and is just as evil) and there's the Thessalian king (whos name eludes me right now). The Thessalians call on their champion (with another name I can't remember. Darn Greek names, they're always hard to remember). My first thought: "Who the hell put steriods in this guys porrige growing up?!" This guy was fucking HUGE!!!). Agamemnon calls for Achilleus.

Achilleus isn't there. Turns out he's in bed with not one, but TWO women. Any Brad Pitt fans here? he's naked, a LOT! Anyway Achilleus fights, kills other guy with one impressive leap and stabs and that's it. Fight over.

Oh, Agamemnon and Achilleus REALLY don't like each other. I mean really don't like each other.

You get to see Paris nicking off with Helen, no golden apple to be found here (lots of golden cups though). She's just a dissatisfied wife (and if I was married to THAT I would be to) who is screwing Paris in her husbands hous (durning a banquet mind you. Sneaky).

You can see a sibling bond between Hektor and Paris (I noticed there was no use of the other name for him, Alexandros, I was waiting for it). He lets Helen stay on the boat despite knowing what this means for Troy.

Menelaos (and I'm probably spelling that wrong. I can't be bothered running to the other end of the house and getting my copy of the Illiad out of my bag) is pissed. Runs to older brother Agamemnon *cough*greedypompouspowerhungrybastard*cough*. Agamemnon wants to rule the world, Menelaos just wants to kill Helen. Slowly. Killing Paris wouldn't be too bad either.

Unfortunately they're gonna need Achilleus. Agamemnon = Not Happy Jan.

Okay, Patroklus (again, spelling? I know that's pretty close to it, but...). Achilleus' younger cousing... WTF???!!! (I was highly tempted to cough incest when that came up. I didn't though. Was tempted). He's supposed to be the male lover/companion thing who's OLDER than Achilleus. Cute though.

Briseis - cousing to Hektor and Paris. Er, what? She was? I knew she'd been an Apollonian preistess who'd been captured at some point, but that?? she got some good lines though (and she got the BEST line in the movie. "I thought you were a dumb brute. I could've forgiven a dumb brute"). Achilleus got all protective of her (so cute!).

The fighting was amazing! Not THAT gory at all.

Priam. Loved the guy but he was a little too reliant on prophecy. If only he'd listened to Paris and burnt that bloody horse.

Sean Bean as Odessius (again with the spelling. I'm really going to have to go and check them out again) was cool, didn't really get to see him fight though.

Ohhhh... the fight between Menelaos and Paris. If Paris was any more terrified his eyes would've popped out of his head and bounced along the ground. He looked like a man who knew he was way out of his league and ready to pee himself. And then the whole crawling on the sand and hugging his brothers leg while crying/whimpering/peeing himself (looking rather bloody too I must add).... *cries* And Hektor killing Menelaos 'cause he was gonna kill his brother. Paris is no sword fighter. Archer, yes, swordfighter, no.

Patroklus' death. I'd forgotten about that! I remembered just as he started fighting Achilleus and burst into tears. I could tell by the characters faces that they all thought that it was Achilleus (hell, it LOOKED like him)... and then Hektor slashes his throat, pulls off his helmet and they realize that it's just the young cousin. Heart breaking!

Agamemnon is a HEARTLESS BASTARD!!!!

The fight between Hektor and Achilleus... Oh.. My.. GOD!!! No real way to describe it except mind blowing. REALLY mind blowing. Really, really. I'm not even going to try.

And Hektor's death, with everyone (on the Trojan side) watching. Andromache collapsing in grief. Achilleus tying Hektor to the back of the chariot and dragging it off. I was in tears.

Priam kissing Achilleus' hands and begging for his son's body. *cries*

The horse!

The sacking of the city (I wanted to leap through the screen and flatten Agamemnon. I really don't like him).

Agamemnon getting stabbed in the neck by Briseis (I would've preferred the other way that he dies. Hacked to peices by his wife, but oh well. He died. Painfully. I was happy).

Paris shooting Achilleus...IN the Achilles tendon! *snickers*- He (Achilleus) pulled out all the arrows except the one there, dying before he could. You can almost believe that's how the legend about him developed *snerk*.

And (for those of you who know what I'm talking about) AENEAS!!!!! Carrying Achises, being told by Paris to lead the Trojans to a new home and rule them. *squee* I was seeing it with a group that knows the Illiad, Odessey and Aeneid. Should've heard them when the kid said his name was Aeneas.

And nearly naked Orlando Bloom

Gah!